i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
