Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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