My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
