She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
she told me i tasted like america
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
