i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
