their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
