Are we in a gay sports bar?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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