I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
