there's paper in my vomit.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
