my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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