I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
