I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
