fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just google imaged poop.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
