walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize