i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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