I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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