Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm always down for nudity.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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