you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
