I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
