if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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