Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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