perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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