best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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