I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Mom said you looked used
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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