WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
