What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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