just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
