Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
