My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
