I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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