Your face is a jimmy john
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
