Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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