How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
