M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
COCAINE IS GR8
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
