Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
