On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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