that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
