Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
