When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
