the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
