you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
