i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
