Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
