Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
