yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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