Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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