I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
And then he peed in my hair
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