i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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