And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
