My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
