can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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