Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
