Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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