she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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