I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
