DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
