Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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