how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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